Dresses

Dear Elli,

I've never worn a dress to a work function.  This is yet another weird neurotic trait of mine.  Kind of like not wearing fashionable boots because I'm convinced I will look like a slutbag.  I can't help it.

I've always worn pants to work functions.  Almost always.  The man to woman ratio in my line of work is about 20:1.  The last thing I need is to be some girly little douchebag curtsying in a dress and batting my eyelashes at all the middle-aged men in the room.  That would really help me to be taken seriously......on opposite day. 

But that was all in my twenties. 

Now I'm in my thirties.  A real life grown woman.  With ten years in.  Time served.  And now I'm a bad ass.  (Just ask me).  So I'm wearing a dress to an industry party tomorrow.  Because I can!  And I'm so freaked out about it that I might vomit on myself.  Without the pleasure of drinking too much first.  Good Lord!

Dresses are nice.  There's nothing wrong with a dress.  I've merely been a complete maniac about my professional image for the first decade of my career.  So much so that most of my colleagues probably think I've joined the Women's PGA Tour in my spare time.  Polo shirts and pants, baby!  I'm actually just a small, well-groomed man with highlights.  And I don't actually have legs at all.  Nobody has seen any evidence of these appendages.  I just walk on wooden sticks that I hide in my pants.

"Hand me a golf club, gentlemen.  Stiff shaft.  No flex.  That's how I like 'em.  And, yes, that cart girl does have a great ass.  HEY BABY!  Bring me a Bud Light!  Can't you see I'm a Women's PGA member!??!"

That's what I actually say....on opposite day.

But seriously.  I'm stepping outside the box.  I'm wearing a dress.  And I will get approximately 47 comments about how I've never been seen in a dress before.  And I will do my best not to turn red and feel weird.  But I will turn red and feel weird. 

Screw it.  I'm a woman in my fourth decade of life.  I've given birth to a human being.  And I will wear a freaking dress! 

"Now hand me a Bud Light!  And back the hell up!  Can't you see I'm a damn lady!!??!!".

That's actually what I'm going to say.....on opposite day.

I love you.  And I hope you don't grow up to be nearly as neurotic as me.

Mom